The Donald and Bernie Show! S02E08


Trump is making out with Sanders’ girlfriend Dalia on the sofa. Trump’s on top

Trump: Oh baby, you make me so hot.

Trump’s toupee flips up suggestively

(Audience roars with laughter)

Dalia attempts to push Trump back

Dalia (in shrill New Yorkese): Donny, stop, I-

Trump: The Trump! It’s pronounced THE Trump, you kikey whore!

(Audience displays considerable mirth as he strikes her)

Dalia: T-The Trump, sorry. The Trump… I-I don’t feel comfortable with this.

Trump: What’s wrong? Is Ivanka’s dress too tight? She has a very lean, supple body y’know.

Dalia: No no, it’s not that. It’s… Bernie, we’re hurting Bernie.

Trump: Baby, what people don’t know can’t hurt ‘em. After-all, the projection always TRUMPS the reality beneath. (Trump turns to look directly into camera) How’d you think I got those poll numbers?

(There’s a nervous tittering until someone in the back repeats ‘TRUMPS!’ and the unabashed laughter resumes)

At this point a key can be heard turning in the lock . The front door bursts open and Bernie Sanders enters the room on his tiny, rickety donkey. The donkey’s named Socialized Health Care

Sanders (waving arms erratically): Heya comrades!

(A wave of applause shake the set’s very foundations)

Trump and Dalia fix themselves and sit up on sofa

Sanders: And what have my best bud and favourite lady been up to today? I was just at the gun show with my Black Lives Matter buddies. I ended by having a Key Lime pie… and eating it!

(Tempered chortles)

Dalia: Look, Bernie, there’s some ‘ing I been meanin’ to tell ya.

Trump (jabbing her in the ribs with a Trump brand pen): Are you sure about that?

Dalia: This won’t be easy, Bernie. You betta get off Socialized Health Care and take a seat.

Trump (teeth gritted): Why don’t you go out into the kitchen and cook up some of that dreidel pie, huh hun?

Dalia stands

Dalia: Bernie, I and The Trump have been having sex behind your back.

Trump (grinning, he leans around Dalia to look at the camera): And also behind hers!

He slaps Dalia on her rear

Trump: Otherwise that nose would’ve took an eye out!

(A man in the front row is taken aside by the medical team and diagnosed with having split sides. It proves fatal)

Dalia: Oh! I can’t deal with this now! I’m sorry Bernie.

Dalia runs out of the room leaving Trump and Bernie in silence. Bernie looks confused and distraught

Sanders: Oy! Oy! …This can’t be happening.

Trump: Hey, now, there’s no need for language like that. Bernie, take a seat.

Sanders: …She’s my favourite lady and you’re my best bud…

Trump: Look here. Do you want know the truth? Bernie, you’re always on about sharing and being nice to each other and, well, I was trying to follow your example. I was trying to do that by fucking Dalia. Y’see, I respect you Bernie. I respect you a lot. I was just trying to be a bit more like my best bud.

(A loud “awwww” comes from the audience. Show runners begin handing out boxes of tissues)

Sanders: That’s the nicest thing anyone has said about me. D-do you really mean it?

Trump, arm around the hunched Senator, smiles 

Trump: Of course not you loser! Now come on, we’re going to the titty bar.

The theme tune to Curb Your Enthusiasm begins playing as Sanders looks up and wrily smiles back at his lascivious old friend

(End Credits)

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